Are Caterpillar Good To Eat?
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
The Family Tomatoes
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
You Should Learn To Be More Polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"
Sorry For Eating The Peanuts
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
Diet for Stress
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom, and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening Snack:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Additional Rules for this Diet:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
3. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
4. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
5. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
6. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
7. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate.
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.
GO TO TOP
