Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant,
waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me,
if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
We Could Have Been Here Sooner
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
An elderly man was dying and in his last few moments he asked the Priest to take him down to the kitchen where his wife was baking.
The Priest carried the old man down and pushed through the kitchen door to see the table laden with home made cakes, cooling on wire trays.
The old man was reaching out for one, when his wife smacked his hand, saying "Hands off! They're for the funeral!"
The Top Ten Signs You're a Lousy Cook
10. Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren
9. Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
8. Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
7. Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
6. You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.
5. Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
4. Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic waste in their lunch bags.
3. Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
2. No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
... and the Number 1 Sign You're A Lousy Cook:
1. You burned the house down trying to make jelly.
Scuba Diving Accident
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay ."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
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